• Wilz Stevens

Personal Blogz - Wilz and and the anxious roller coaster

Halloumi, howdy Walkerz,

How are you? Thanks for stopping by and visiting,

This is not going to be an easy blog to type but I need to share, if it can help just 1 person out there then it will have served its purpose,

So I have messaged some of you out there who are close to me before taking this online, but I need to share the roller coaster that had me scared out of my wits last week, and I am warning you from looking back and for your safety and sanity, I don't recommend doing what I did without any medical supervision, please seek the advice of your doctor or even a nurse before taking any class of action,

I admit I was reckless and stupid in doing it, but when faced with the decision, you will know in your heart and in your mind what is right for you but please consult your doctor or even a nurse first before taking any actions, I can't say that enough, but what did I do that scared me so much, I stopped taking my anxiety medication,

Now please note I know each person's journey and treatment with mental health is unique but this is just my story and I can't say and stress enough please consult your doctor or a nurse before halting any mental health medication, it is not the type of medication you can stop at the drop of a hat without taking on some pretty serious withdrawals and complications, but I knew in my heart of hearts this was the right choice for me, so stupid me in reaching my 6 month prescribed date, dropped the hat and ran,

Now looking back and reflecting with my doctor, and yes I admit he wasn't entirely happy how I went about it too but we were both in agreeance, this is right for me, I admit this wasn't my first ride on the merry go round as they would say, I have taken this type of medication before but everyone I have talked to, in the medical field or not can see, I have come along away and I am in a much better space now, I don't need or require the extra chemicals in my system,

The best way I can describe the rollercoaster in a visual way is the part of BTS's J Hope in their group's music video I need you, if you haven't seen it before please check it out on this link

At the start of the video J Hope is shown looking into the mirror, it has something I have often too, thinking and reflecting,not just on the day but on my life in general, always asking myself the questions am I doing the right thing and on the right path, is this right for me, but being scared and doubt always lingering about,

J Hope scene then progresses into him to taking you into his world with the opening of the bathroom cabinet, he takes a pill bottle from the shelf and the tablets slip through his fingers into the sink, there was times like this for me too, I would take out my medication, take the dosage but inside I would be beating myself up for being on the medication and for having to be reliant on something, especially a chemical because I wasn't right, it at times felt like I had something wrong to be way I had become,

While talking and going out with friends was and is a good release, you really feel like to others that you appear normal on the outside, but on the inside it is a completely different story, like J Hope's story in the mv progresses, he is walking aimlessly under the hot sun to somewhere he is not sure, while yes on medication you are getting help but it does feel like sometimes you lose sight of the end and where you are headed or where you want to go,

And then the world goes blank, or in J Hope's case in the mv he just collapses on the bridge with the traffic passing him by, there would be moments for me like this for me, in these aimless states you could just sit or stare blankly not realising what you were doing or feeling irritable and unable to sit still, you would just want the world to stop, but as we all know it doesn't and like the traffic it just passes you by,

I found at times like this I just needed to get up and walk away, and as the mv goes on to show with the help with those around you, it reaches a scene where J Hope is shown pouring the pills into the fire and I feel like that is the stage I am at now, release, I have grounded myself and I am releasing myself from the chemical constraints in my body, yes there was a point in time when my body needed them and needed the help, but we are doing good now and progressing to some good things, we don't need or require it anymore, we are waking up and coming clean,

So in the last week I stopped, dropped the hat and ran for my life,

Going through all the withdrawls was bad, and it is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, there was some long days and nights, but now with no hat now and no additional chemicals in my system each day is getting clearer and the run is getting easier, I am in a better place and I am steering clear, but most importantly to those who were around and stuck by me have helped me so much, and for that I am so appreciative and thankful,

That was Wilz's roller coaster for the last week, if your ever going through some dark moments or just want someone to talk to please reach out, I am always here for you too, you can find all my contact details on the contact page of this site,

That is Wilz for now, travel safely Walkers, take care and let's keeping walking on this journey called life, peace out

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